Tim’s Version of "The Love Boat" --

 

Introducing the Ahilt Football League LUUUUV BOOOAAAAT! It's the LUUUUV BOOOOAAAAT! 

Introducing your ships' Captain Randy Wood. Guaranteed to please or he offers you money back with no questions and no hassles.

 

The ship's doctor is Jeff Butler. Make sure you where a lead jockstrap around him since he may try to laser your private parts.

 

Drop in to the nurse's station where Rich Jurgens, known as Dr. "Feelgood", dispenses drugs and hands out pee bags if you get nailed by Dr. Jeff's laser treatments. 

 

Say hello to Commodore Tom Behrle as the Naval Liaison Officer. He is tasked to personally inspect the bellies of all female passengers.

 

Have dinner with the ship's architect, Tom Martin, whose great grandfather designed the TITANIC. 

 

For recreational activities you have two choices:

Bob Martin is the ship's golf pro. On the last cruise he was seen crawling around on all fours sniffing Michele Wie's butt.

 

The basketball pro is Keith Jones, but be prepared to withstand his incessant playing of "Basketball Jones" during tournament play.

 

For entertainment there are three choices:

After hard day of beer can racing in the main pool area visit Happy Jack's poolside Happy Hour.

 

For dinner visit proprietor Doug Mason's Wickenburg Clown Club and Lounge featuring the dulcet tunes of the Lost Gonzo Do-Dah Band.

 

The ship's wine steward is James Donker, who has a propensity to want to cork people's cornholeos but then gladly provides TP for your bung holes. 

 

The whiskey steward is Michael Leach, who carries around mysterious thick envelopes with Lynchburg, TN postmarks.

 

On Saturday night Donnie Smith has arranged a concert featuring Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

 

Safety chief Tim Grace provides around the clock surveillance from the Crow's nest. He has the best eyesight this side of Mr. Magoo.

 

Seeing to every need is yeoman purser Steve Grace who gladly accepts tips in a Green Bay cap.

 

And as your guest Cruise Director: FRED SMOOT